Too Many Instructions

I’m one of those guys who, when I buy a product that comes with an owner’s manual, usually doesn’t bother to read it.

I’m not sure why.

It’s not that I think I’m that smart. Because I know I’m not.

It’s just that, with most things you buy – say, a new toaster – it isn’t rocket surgery. Or is it brain science?

Anyway, I just assume I’ll be able to figure it out without reading the owner’s manual. Hey, it’s a toaster. You plug it into the wall and put slices of bread into those openings on top, right? Then you push down the handle and wait.

What else do I need to know?

So when I purchased a small plastic pool for my granddaughter, I was surprised to find that it came with an owner’s manual.

Yes-an owners’ manual for an eight-inch high, 46-inch-wide plastic pool.

I couldn’t believe it.

I started reading the owner’s manual and was nearly floored by the stuff they included for safe ankle-deep wading.

OK, some of it was not stupid. Just advice for anyone without a shred of common sense, like “Keep children in your direct sight, stay close, and actively supervise them when they are in or near this pool…”

But then it just got silly: “Do not place pool near or under overhead electrical lines.” Wow. I wonder how many kids have been injured in pools from electrical lines that suddenly fell out of the sky?

And I wonder why they didn’t warn people not to place the pool under a tree for fear that a loose limb – or the tree itself – might unexpectedly fall on the pool.

But back to the owner’s manual: “Keep a working phone and a list of emergency numbers near the pool.”

Now remember, this is a small, plastic pool that couldn’t hold more than six inches of water. Unless you’re an infant or less than a year old, it would be almost impossible to drown in this pool.

Here’s another advisement from the manual: “Become certified in cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). In the event of an emergency, immediate use of CPR can make a lifesaving difference.”

I suppose that’s true. But come on…

And then there’s this last bit of advice: “This pool has two fill line marks located on the sidewall, near the top of the pool (yes, that would be the likely spot for fill lines). The pool may be filled with water to these lines or to any level beneath the lines.”

So what are they saying? That you can choose to fill the pool to any depth you want? Did they really have to say that – in three languages?

And no, if you were thinking this pool was made in China and the manual was written by someone whose first language is NOT English, think again.

It was made in Canada.

Are we now living in such a hopelessly paranoid, litigation-drenched world that small plastic pools must have these kinds of “owner’s manuals” to protect the pool makers from any possible danger?

Apparently so.

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