Show Me the Money

This has probably never happened to you, but almost every day I get an offer in my email that wants to share some kind of fortune with me.

I get so many it’s hard to decide which one to follow through on. These wonderful folks somehow found me – out of all the billions of people they could have chosen – and want simply to share vast sums of money.

It’s kind of touching.

Usually, all they want is for me to get back to them through an email address or telephone number to get more details on how I can step into the lap of luxury simply by helping them out a little.

For some reason, it seems almost all of these good-deed-doers are from outside the United States, often from a Third World country. You know, Ghana, Nigeria, South Africa, Guatamala, the former Soviet Union – that kind of place.

Despite living in these mostly dirt-poor countries, they seem to have accumulated huge amounts of cash they’d like to funnel into a more developed nation like the U.S. (And some into my pocket, too, the darlings.)

Some of their propositions are really interesting.

One nice lady identified herself as the “joint global head of equities and risk manager of the First National Bank PLC, South Africa.” She said she had discovered a “dormant account” at the bank in the amount of $29.4 million belonging to a deceased depositor with no beneficiary.

Now Ms. Rossman said the South African government will ultimately confiscate the account unless she and I can figure out a way to get the money out of the country and into my bank account. She assures me “this transaction is 100 percent total risk free,” so that makes me feel better.

But some of these offers seem to be flirting with criminal activity. An email from Kevin Momoh, who identifies himself as “a previous member of Ghana’s executive committee on contract awards,´ said he’s looking for somewhere to stash $19.5 million in “kickback money” resulting from contracts awarded to Chinese and Malaysian companies.

His plea is rather heartbreaking: “If they (Ghana government officials) succeed in tracing this fund to me, they will seize it and thereby incapacitating my lifetime opportunities.”

Heartless children-without-fathers!

Again, I’m not to worry about possible legal repercussions. “Be fully rest assured that there is no risk involved,” he said.

Then there’s the kindly Ivory Coast former aide to a bank official who was able to divert $1.2 million from the bank and now needs a safe place to store it. All he requires is my bank account number and details will follow.

It’s amazing how many sweet deals are floating around out there, with millions just waiting for my cooperation.

I’m truly touched by these offers and can’t decide which one to go with first. I can almost picture myself living a carefree life, drinking an umbrella-festooned concoction under a palm tree on the Ivory Coast or some other exotic locale.

But I just have one thing to say first:

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

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