The Name Game

What’s in a name?

Shakespeare said: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Yes, that’s true. But imagine Cary Grant trying to make it in Hollywood with his real name, Archibald Leach. I mean, just look at the guy. He was MEANT to be Cary Grant.

So OK, parents can’t do much about their kid’s last name. It is what it is until the kid gets old enough to have it changed.

Ouch.

But parents can hang some pretty awful first-name handles on their offspring. Take, for example, the name ‘Apple’ given to the daughter of actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her hubby, Chris Martin. Would you want to grow up with that moniker?

And by the way, what’s with Gwyneth? I mean, it’s kind of cool to say and seems to suit Paltrow, but really…doesn’t it sound just slightly pretentious?

But Apple is tame compared to some other names being foisted on kids these days. How about ‘Kal-El,’ the name actor Nicholas Cage gave his son. For those not acquainted with comics history, Kal-El was Superman’s real name back on Krypton before it exploded.

Then there’s ‘Blue Angel,’ the name U2 guitarist The Edge (real name: David Evans — yeah, too bland for show business) gave to his daughter, and ‘Moxie Crimefighter,’ the atrocious name magician and comedian Penn Jillette gave his daughter.

But perhaps the worst-name-giver award goes to the late progressive rock guitarist and generally weird guy Frank Zappa, who came up with several off-the-wall names for his kids, including ‘Dweezil,’ ‘Diva Thin Muffin’ and ‘Moon Unit.’

Thanks, Dad.

Imagine growing up with the name Dweezil or Moon Unit. I guess it helps if you grow up in a rich family with all the protection that offers, with private schools, gated homes and so on. But if you’re just an average middle-class kid named Bentley – the 47th most-popular boy baby name in 2010 — that’s going to haunt you the whole time you’re growing up.

I guess that’s when nicknames — like Ben or Killer — can help you get through those already difficult times.

And it’s kind of funny how names change in popularity. In 2010, the most popular boy name was Aidan, or Aiden, or just plain Aden. But did you know that -according to babynames.com – that name has been the top baby boy name for EIGHT years running?

Truthfully, I’ve never heard of anyone naming their kid Aiden, etc. I think it’s a name of Irish heritage, but I’m not sure. One thing is sure, though: There’s going to be a LOT of Aidens running around out there in high schools across the country in a few years.

For girls, the most popular name in 2010 was Sophia or Sofia, a name that’s been moving up in the rankings since 2006, when it was No. 33 of the Top 100 baby girl names.

Thirty years ago, when my wife and I named our sons — Charlie and Michael — they were fairly popular names, especially Michael. But that name came in at No. 87 on last year’s list, and Charles barely made it onto the Top 100 at No. 93.

What’s worse – the name Steve or Steven or Stephen hasn’t been seen on the Top 100 list in years.

I just can’t imagine a world without Steves.

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