January 2, 2009

It’s all about predictions

By

It’s one thing to compile a year-end wish list, but I’m all about first-of-the-year predictions, bold statements of what will be that can be the source of much amusement at next New Year’s Eve party. Forthwith, I present Psychic Kate’s prognostications for 2009:

After finding the only Coloradan with full statewide appeal, Gov. Bill Ritter appoints unemployed former Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Ken Salazar’s move to Secretary of the Interior. Despite the astronomical pay cut — even with this year’s raise, U.S. Senators will make about 5 percent of the coach’s reported annual salary of $3.4 million — Shanahan accepts, saying, “it beats coaching the Jets.” He creates another Colorado chapeau sensation by wearing his play-calling headset on the Senate floor.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper sulks at Ritter’s snub and threatens to unplug the holiday lighting on the City and County Building before the end of the National Western Stock Show. His mood improves when former Secretary of Transportation Federico Pena suggests he audition for federal Car Czar and require bailed-out automakers to convert production entirely to electric light rail.

On the 32nd day of 90-degree-plus temperatures in Greeley — the 110th without measurable precipitation — recent New Jersey transplant Marvin J. Fenstermacher is found beaten senseless with a bound copy of the complete Glade Reservoir environmental impact proceedings. Witnesses say the suspects, owners of dried-up South Platte basin wells, “just snapped” when the victim asked, “How ’bout that global warming?”

Beetle-killed pine trees along the Front Range simultaneously spontaneously combust, and Colorado State University researchers reveal that overcrowded forest conditions are linked to urban air-quality ordinances banning wood-burning fireplaces.

During Senate hearings on withdrawing troops from Iraq, Sen. Shanahan calls for the Defense Subcommittee to “form up for the blitz and sack Joe Lieberman.” Although Lieberman remains untouched, the needed majority is achieved.

With Iraq oil supplies flooding the market, the Big Three finally unveil their plan for saving the U.S. auto industry: a hybrid vehicle combining the best features of the Edsel, the K-car and the Hummer.

Residents of Wyoming are officially dubbed Wyoopers in recognition of the influx of unemployed autoworkers from Michigan looking for work.

In a move with far-reaching First Amendment implications, E.W. Scripps Co. converts itself to a bank holding company and gloms on to enough federal bailout cash to keep the Rocky Mountain News in business. However, under the terms of the deal, employees are required to pay 3.75 percent interest on their paychecks and complete 10 debit card transactions each month.

When Scripps threatens to foreclose on his fantabulous Cherry Hills mansion, Shanahan graciously offers to support Hickenlooper in a bid for the Senate seat he plans to vacate at the end of the year to “make some real coin” coaching the Lions, recently transplanted to Cheyenne from Detroit to be closer to their fans.

It’s one thing to compile a year-end wish list, but I’m all about first-of-the-year predictions, bold statements of what will be that can be the source of much amusement at next New Year’s Eve party. Forthwith, I present Psychic Kate’s prognostications for 2009:

After finding the only Coloradan with full statewide appeal, Gov. Bill Ritter appoints unemployed former Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Ken Salazar’s move to Secretary of the Interior. Despite the astronomical pay cut — even with this year’s…

Kate Hawthorne
Categories: Columns Then...and Now
Sign up for BizWest Daily Alerts