The Crossroads Chainsaw Massacre and other assorted frightful thoughts

It’s the last day of October, and as usual, meteorologists say the weather for Halloween will go in the tank, just like Boulder’s high-end housing market and retail sales tax receipts.

Last Saturday as I was raking leaves a few other frightful thoughts crossed my mind. In honor of Dia de los Muertos, or as we gringos would say, Day of the Dead, here they are with plots befitting a scary movie:

” The Headless Recovery of Boulder Hollow. This economic recovery minus jobs thing is getting to be a drag, and it’s scaring the IT out of the high-tech Icabods. The good news is that reports say production is up, but the bad news is that jobs aren’t. It’s either a good mystery or an ironic twist. Could it be that the very people who created technology to streamline work and cut costs have high-teched themselves right out of the picture? Please, somebody toss them a pumpkin.

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” Count von Bruno. Boulder has come up with the money to hire two people to raise this city’s economic corpse from the grave. New City Manager Frank Bruno has sunk his teeth into this effort and hopefully will draw some fresh & uh, economic improvement. But will the other “E” word, ecology, and Boulder’s motto, “Don’t Bug Us,” prevail?

” The Crossroads Chainsaw Massacre. Would somebody clean up this bloody mess? Now. What if Westcor the Developer decides it can no longer work with the city of Boulder and its tedious planning process that resembles a pit of quicksand. I can only hope that the Planning Department doesn’t crank up the ‘ol Husqvarna 345 and rip to shreds the plans that would have resurrected that asphalt graveyard of a mall.

” The Incredible Shrinking Health-Care Plan: Medical centers are popping up throughout Boulder County faster than worms surface after a rainstorm. But with rising health-care costs and companies trimming health-care benefit plans, who can afford to use them? I am waiting for someone to write the sequel: The Incredible Shrinking Doctor Bill. I’m not holding my breath.

” Outer Limits. After finally putting into orbit an imaging satellite after two failed attempts, Longmont’s DigitalGlobe is sitting pretty having just landed a $500 million government contract. But the hair on Dr. Scott’s neck would surely stand on end if that satellite were to be sucked into a black hole. And we wonder why insurance premiums are so high.

” I Was A Teenage CEO. And then he was an out-of-work teenage CEO because he had no business plan, and all he did was play air-hockey, and all his stock options vanished like the Invisible Man. Fast forward to 2003 and his money is spent, and he’s a twenty-something out-of-work former teenage CEO.

” The Day the Buffaloes Stood Still. That would be now. All the money in those luxury suites at Folsom Field can’t seem to turn this herd around as it heads toward the cliff of a losing season. At 3-5 with no defense, Head Coach Gary Barnett is going to have to ask Michael Rennie, via John Edward, to give the pep talks from here on in — something along the lines that the team must get its act together or be destroyed.

” Invasion of the Open Space Snatchers: While Gov. Owens led a contingent of business types to California to scope out companies that might want to move and set up shop in Colorado, he overlooked two important factors: the California Govinator isn’t going to let them leave without a fight, and we all know what that would be like. And that to acquire more land they are going to have to crawl over Boulder County Commissioner Paul Danish’s dead body.

” The Spaminator: Please, somebody stop the madness.

As I was raking leaves last Saturday a black cat crossed my path. That can mean only one thing. I’m cursed.

Doug Storum is managing editor of The Boulder County Business Report. Editor Jerry W. Lewis is on vacation. His regular column will return Nov. 14.